


I should leave

by reasoniwantyoutostay



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Between O Holy Night and Minute by Minute, Bipolar Disorder, Gap Filler, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 20:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8815372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reasoniwantyoutostay/pseuds/reasoniwantyoutostay
Summary: Even's restless night after Isak tells him he's not alone.





	

**4.15**

Even’s eyes blinked open. It was still dark and for a moment as his eyes took in the room he thought maybe he was still dreaming. He’d dreamt of being in Isak’s bed all week. But as his eyes focused even more he knew he wasn’t dreaming. Taking in Isak’s peaceful sleeping face beside him Even could feel the rush of panic in his chest. All the events of last evening reaching to the surface of his awareness. Walking to the school. Looking at his reflection in the washroom mirror and wishing he could see Isak’s face looking back at him. Sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Pulling out his phone and through tear soaked eyes writing a final goodbye. Maybe not a goodbye to the world but a goodbye to Isak. He couldn’t continue hurting this perfect man. The man of his dreams. He’d dragged too many other people into his personal hell. If he could spare Isak from the pain he knew he would cause it was worth pushing him away. But his message only pulled Isak in further. As Even remembered seeing Isak in the school yard he felt his whole body tense. The way Isak had touched Even so tenderly, so carefully at first. Even felt like he would crumble but then Isak held him up. Told him he wasn’t alone. And for a moment Even believed him. 

But now, here, in the middle of the night things were coming back clearer again. Even felt ashamed he had lied to Isak. He wasn’t deserving of Isak’s patience, forgiveness, or love. Isak had already been through so much with his Mom. Even knew he should have stayed away after their talk in the locker room. He should have ended it there because Isak deserved someone that would only hold him up not drag him down.

For a moment Even thought he should leave now. Spare Isak any more pain. Let their reunion be like a bad dream when Isak woke up. And even if Isak hated him it was OK knowing that Even couldn’t hurt him anymore. But then Isak shifted closer to Even. Nuzzling his head in the crook of Even’s neck. Even could feel Isak’s slow steady breath and after a moment he started to match it with his own breath. Feeling the tightness in his chest subside just a little Even closed his eyes again and decided to stay. At least for now. For this moment.

 

**9.21**

Although his eyes were still closed Even could sense it was morning now. He could feel the light from the window streaming across his face. He could also hear Isak breathing and he knew he was awake. There, right next to him. Watching him. Worrying about him. Not feeling ready to take in the look on Isak’s face Even rolled over and tucked himself further into the blanket. Hiding. From Isak. From the world. Even held his breath as he felt Isak’s hands shift the blanket tighter around him and then tuck himself in behind Even. Soon Even would have to do the inevitable and tell Isak the truth. That this wouldn’t work. That he would only ever be poison in Isak’s life. But something held Even there. An unseen force. A new found sense of gravity. Again Even slowly matched Isak’s calm inhales and exhales and felt his body soften just enough to fall back asleep. 

 

**10.34**

Even’s awareness drifted into focus as his eyes opened. The light of daytime. Isak’s room. Isak’s eyes meeting his as he glanced up. Pulling away from Isak’s gaze Even knew this was the time. The moment when he would free Isak from this burden although Even knew it would involve hurting him. It was the only way. Isak said something but Even didn’t take in his words. Even asked what time it was out of habit. Delaying the unavoidable conversation one more precious moment. But Even was at peace with it now. Knowing that the only true way he could show Isak how much he loved him was by letting him go. Then with a heavy exhale Even began the inevitable. 

“I should leave.”


End file.
